Alien Raccoon Sighted

Raccoonlike invader welding flying saucer back together with laser eyes

The first annual sighting of the four legged aliens commonly known as “raccoons” occurred last night between 8:00 and 9:00 p.m. In this blurry photo, the said alien is visible beyond the broken pieces of its flying saucer. The witness who provided the photo said that it made piping sounds, as if it was trying to alert its mother ship.

“My cat spotted it first,” she said. “He ran into the back yard and just stood there with his tail swishing.” She believes usually that means the cat thinks he’s found a mouse, but in reality earthworms are tugging at the leaves on the ground and causing a rustling noise. This time, however, the rustling seemed to be up in the viburnum tree, between boughs laden with fresh white flowers. Near at the top of a bird feeder on a post, she saw the gray sides and humped back of a raccoon.

She immediately retreated into the house. Evidently, her foolhardy cat also realized what it was it up against, and came running after her.

We could not confirm this account from independent sources. Nevertheless, raccoons are known to sneak into yards after dark during warm weather. Residents are advised to keep fallen seed cleaned up around bird feeders, secure garbage bins with padlocks, and change all their passwords.